A Word On OCD

This is a true story, however specific details have been altered.

Stop! Go now! Get out of my head! Around and around I went, trying to eliminate the thoughts. The last seven hours I had spent trying to find an answer to make the thoughts stop, but each time I came close, they began again in another way. I barely left my room, too consumed with escaping the distress in which I was constantly swamped. The pattern of my footfall traced around the carpet amid the many strewn items which I had avoided during my day long pacing session. Each brief moment of calm during the day was interrupted by the thoughts I was trying to avoid, bringing me spiraling back into another several hours of rumination.

I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. OCD is very misunderstood by popular culture. Most people seem to equate it with controlling perfectionism and hyper-cleanliness. But they have no idea about the anxiety and constant battle with horrible thoughts that drive these behaviours. And for some of us you won't even see our behaviours. I suffer primarily from a variant of OCD known as Pure-O (Purely-Obsessional OCD). This particular manifestation of the disorder is characterized by intrusive thoughts, but no visible compulsions. The compulsions in Pure-O take place mostly inside the sufferer's mind. Examples are spending hour upon hour attempting in vain to find a definite answer to make the anxiety provoking thought finally stop, avoiding situations that make the thoughts arise, critically over analyzing our own thoughts to see if there is any truth in the obsessions, to discover if we really are as they say.

What particularly rubs me the wrong way is the common social idea that "we all have a little OCD", that persists in vain of the enormous effort made to raise awareness of this particular mental condition. If society had a better understanding of the control that OCD has over the lives of those suffering from it, I feel that they would be less likely to associate their own minor quirks with a serious anxiety disorder. I don't mean to rant, but several times I, a 21 year old man, have been brought to tears by people I have met claiming to have this illness and regaling me with their abysmally uneducated idea that their freaking out upon having their 'way of having things' violated is grounds for claiming a potentially disabling disorder. Surely my reaction was uncalled for, but it was the natural response to having someone trivialize this demon with which I have been fighting as long as I can remember.

Imagine an unceasing barrage of repetitive intrusions into your conscious awareness, provoking your innate fight-or-flight response with questions and doubts such as "What if I have harmed someone? What if I will?" or "Is this what I really think? Am I capable of that?" You try to dismiss the thoughts out of mind, censoring the anxiety provoking material–all the while paradoxically ensuring the repetition of these same alien images. This leads you to screen your thoughts and feelings, examining them in minute detail, trying intently to eliminate those that associate with the obsession. This very behaviour of rumination drives the cycle on. You think that stopping the thoughts, or finding the answer somewhere within the question, will release you from the shackles of the spiral, only to find that any release is purely momentary, and the doubting disease quickly captures you again. Soon enough you find yourself so helpless to escape the thoughts that you can no longer stand for simple rumination, you feel like you must escape the root of the problem, which your mind will erroneously associate with the object of the obsession. So you take to complete avoidance of anything slightly connected with the subject material, and this is where you begin to feel isolated and alone, unable to control your thoughts and helpless to escape the psychological prison you constructed as an escape but in which you now spend mental-house-arrest.

This is where I was when I first began to understand the nature of what I was experiencing. After realizing that my symptoms matched OCD, I first spoke to my mother, who was hesitant to acknowledge the idea that her eldest son, the bright and intelligent young man, could possibly have a mental condition. Thankfully I was 19 and free to seek medical advice without parental authorization. A visit to my GP had me referred to a clinical psychologist, whom, after listen to my concerns, and meeting with me several times to hear out my fears and thoughts, agreed that I had Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Over the near two years since first meeting him, I have spent a total of four months in cognitive-behavioral therapy.

Since then, OCD has lost a lot of its power over me and it's symptoms have dramatically decreased. But I still have distressing intrusive thoughts, and high levels of anxiety in response to irrational thoughts. However it was the way in which I view these thoughts that has led to the bonds being broken. If I could say one thing to everybody who has OCD, it would be: Do not give in. This is a battle in which you have innumerable allies, and one that modern understanding of psychology has been able to treat with very high success rates. I don't promise a cure, that would be dishonest. But there is hope for everyone struggling with this condition, and you are not alone.